I had to take both girls to my oldest daughter’s kung-fu class last night. I’m still recovering.
Allie was going to have to sit in a small, confined space (waiting room) for about an hour. This had disaster written all over it.
As a last-minute desperate attempt, I grabbed a coloring book and some markers. My sister-in-law was also going to be there with my nephew, so I was PRAYING that she would be some sort of distraction. Turns out she just spent a solid hour laughing hysterically at me.
When we got there, I convinced Allie to sit like a normal person on the floor, and pulled out my secret weapon of coloring book and markers. And it worked! For about three minutes, until I saw a little boy, about Allie’s age, whose big brother was also in kung-fu. Which meant little boy would be sitting in the small waiting room, with us, with Allie.
Allie’s whole face lit up the minute she saw this little boy walk in. And I knew we were in BIG trouble. Or, this little boy, Mickey, was, anyway. Thankfully, Mickey’s mom thought Allie was adorable. Poor sap.
Allie immediately THREW herself at poor Mickey. Hussy. She invaded his personal space very early in the relationship, and Mickey was clearly worried. He clung to his Mom for safety. This did not stop Allie from grabbing his hand and trying to pull his from his buoy, out into open waters. She was like a shark circling a helpless surfer.
She shoved a marker in his
eyeball general direction and insisted he color. Mickey’s mom, again, thinking Allie was cute, insisted he participate. When he finally ventured over to the coloring book, Allie pretty much told him what he could color, what color he could color with, and how long he could color with said color.
Why am I in no way worried about this child as a dating teenager? She’s like one of those feral children straight out of the woods. Like she’s had no human interaction in her life!
She spent the next 45 minutes harassing poor Mickey. I asked her to pull up her pants, she tried to look INTO Mickey’s pants. I asked her to pick up her marker, and she did, and then tried to jam it in Mickey’s eye. She crawled around under chairs and tried to chew on people’s legs. The mom of another child was calmly reading a magazine, and Allie tried to rip out several of the pages in her magazine, from out of nowhere. She gave Mickey several rib-breaking bear hugs. Chased him around the room until she cornered and captured him, like a new species on Madagascar. I had to tell her that her technique is all wrong and she’ll never get a guy like that.
You know what crosses my mind frequently? There is some poor boy out there right now, as we speak, who will be the first boy to take Allie out on a date. I actually think I may tail them. Sometimes you have to make your own fun. Watching Allie digest her first date would be VERY entertaining.
When the class was over, I actually yelled, “AMEN!” and hurriedly dressed both girls in their jackets, and dragged them out by their arms.
My husband owes me. I think there will be some event in my life next week on Thursday that will involve him taking both girls to kung-fu. And I’m thinking that life event will involve large quantities of wine.