High Fashion

Tags

child, children, fashion, green eyes, hats, nichole b photography, photography, stay at home mom

“What in Christ are you wearing?”

There’s a shrug, some long shirt underneath that doesn’t really go with it, a skirt, a pair of leopard print flats and a newsboy hat.  She’s clutching a fashion book that she picked up from one of our adventures, to her chest.

“What?!” she counters.

“You know what, Paige….whatever.  Wear whatever makes you happy.”

It’s a non-school day and this is the moment I choose to decide that this is not my battle today.  There will be other battles today.  However, if I don’t want to spend all day screaming and ripping my hair out in large wads from my head, I need to choose carefully.  She’s not going anywhere.  No one but my neighbors will see this horrendous outfit choice…not worth the battle today.

She’s about to head out the door when the light catches her.

“WAIT A MINUTE!  LET ME GET MY CAMERA!”

She’s not even startled by this outburst.  My kids are used to hearing it.  Instead, she heaves her shoulders and says, “Where do you want me standing?”

Granted, I had to crop out most of the outfit.  But that hat suits her.

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Growing and Changing

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children, growing, kindergarten, March 2010, parenting, photography, pictures, project, school, stay at home mom

“Mommy, I have a project due!” Allie says one afternoon after kindergarten.

What I’m thinking is, Project due week three of kindergarten?  Give me a break. What I say is, “Oh fun!  What do we got?!”

Turns out it’s a “science” project.  They are learning about how things grow and change and they want to demonstrate that through now and then photos.  “Please send in a picture of your child when they were born, and then a recent picture.”

“I have just the picture!” I shout.  I am a photographer, so a lot of my children’s life has been spent in front of a camera lens.  Though I actually got my first DSLR camera just before Allie’s first birthday.

“Really?”  Allie in intrigued.  “Let me see?”

I pull up one of my favorite pictures of her.  It was taken on St. Patty’s Day 2010, which was her due date.  Thankfully for me, my OB was on vacation that week, so we scheduled the C-section for the previous week.

“This one!” I yell.

Allie takes one look at the picture and laughs and laughs and laughs.  She is so hysterical from laughter, in fact, that she can hardly speak, and she’s no longer sitting upright. “Oh my God, I’m so funny!” she squeaks out.

I am just about to hit the print button when the laughter suddenly halts and she says, “…But no.  Good God you can’t send that in.”

“Really?!  But I love it!”

So we start scrolling through more pictures from the past.  She finally settles on this one:

Also cute, but not as fabulous as my choice, clearly.

“Alright, now for the recent picture.  Which one have I taken of you recently that you want to send in?”

“The one from the other night.  At the fair!”

She certainly doesn’t look like the raven haired chunky monkey that came out of me five years ago.  She’s a slimmed down, blond haired, blue eyed beauty.

My how you’ve grown, my love.

“A-Men.”

Tags

bathroom, children, funny, humor, kids, parenting, school mornings, sisters, stay at home mom

School is in full swing.  Mornings are chaos trying to get two kids out of the house simultaneously.  Especially since the girls are already at that age where they race each other to the bathroom, slam and lock the door, and then take all blessed morning in there, just to annoy the other one.

The joys of sisters.

This morning, I have a photo shoot, which means I am also trying to vie for the bathroom.  You would think because I’m bigger, older and Mom that I would have the advantage.  Clearly, you’d be wrong.

I am the last one in, and trying to think of how likely electrocution is, as I plug my hair straightener in and lay it down on top of a soaked counter surface.

“I am so SICK of everything in this bathroom being soaking WET!” I scream, to no one in particular.  No one’s listening anyway, Mom’s, right?

I come out of the bathroom while my appliance is heating, and scream at the first kid I see, which happens to be Paige, “ARE YOU CLEANING MY BATHROOMS TODAY?!”

“You crazy?  I have to go to school.”

“THEN STOP LEAVING MESSES FOR ME TO CLEAN EVERYWHERE!!!”

“A-men,” I hear Allie say next to me.

‘Scuse me? Anything to throw her sister under a bus.

If we’re getting right down to it, she’s probably the one that soaked the counter to begin with.  I have never seen a kid more fascinated with running water.

And then, there was two kid free hours for me to finish up my packing for my photo shoot and get out the door.  In relative peace.  And my hair looks fabulous.  And I didn’t even get electrocuted!

Things I Never Thought I Would Say Part 1

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child, childhood, children, funny, humor, parenting, stay at home mom, things i never thought i would say

“Please!  We don’t EAT our band-aids!”

“We don’t sniff our blood.”

“Why, oh why, is there a steak knife under the treadmill?”

“Did you just hit me with your sock?”

“Please get the reindeer off the table.”

“No, we need to get the dog’s foot out of our mouth.”

“Get off the top of the house!” (Play house, but still, it’s about 15 feet off the ground, at the very least!)

“We are not pumas.  We do not pounce on our sister from the top of the chair.”

I figure the list of insanity that spews from my mouth could be endless.  Best to make it an ongoing thing.  What kinds of crazy things have you said?

Happy Joke Day

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April Fools, child, children, Family, funny, humor, parenting, prank, pre-school, stay at home mom

I wrote yesterday about the prank Paige planned to pull on her classmates.  And I actually gave her a piece of tin foil this morning, against better judgment, only because I’m curious to see if she can actually pull it off.  Oh to be a fly on the wall in the third grade classroom today.

I thought that would be the end of it.

But then I picked Allie up from school.

“Hey, Mom!  Do you know what today is?” Allie asked on our walk back to the car.

Surely the pre-school teachers wouldn’t tell the kids what today was and encourage pranks.  “What, Al?”

“It’s Joke Day!” She throws up her arms in proclamation.  Apparently I’d be mistaken if I thought they wouldn’t tell pre-schooler’s about April Fool’s Day.

“Oh yeah?” I remark back.  I show no excitement.  No emotion.  No anything to tell her I may be on board with this ridiculous notion.

“Yeah….Hey Mom, your shoe’s untied,” she points at my sneaker which is securely fastened in a double knot, because nothing annoys me more than an untied shoe.  I know.  First world problem.  One of my many weird pet peeves.  I don’t acknowledge her pointing finger.  I don’t look down.  But she still screams gleefully and says, “Gotcha!  Happy Joke Day!”

Hopefully, that’s the last of the pranks from the kids.  I have a feeling this won’t be the end of it.

April Foil

Tags

April Fools, child, children, Family, funny, humor, parenting, prank, stay at home mom, tin foil

“Mom, I just need to borrow a little bit of tin foil for an April Fool’s joke tomorrow,” Paige says at dinner.

“Paige, if you think I’m going to let you borrow tin foil to prank me, you’re out of your mind.”

“No!  Not you!  Okay, here’s what I’m going to do.  I’m going to roll the tin foil up into a ball and then at recess, me and Madison are going to play with it.  And when other girls come up to us and say, ‘What is that?’ we can tell them it’s a silver catch ball!  Then they’ll say, ‘Can we try?’ and we’ll say, ‘Sure!’  Then they’ll catch it and say, ‘Hey!  This isn’t a silver catch ball!’ And I’ll shout ‘APRIL FOIL!'”

I stare blankly.

“So can I?  Can I please borrow a piece of tin foil?”

I was kind of hoping the day would escape her all together.  But I guess there’s no such luck.

“You And What Army?”

Tags

child, children, early, funny, humor, parenting, photography, stay at home mom

It’s been a long weekend here in our house.  And by long, I mean early wake-up calls.

Paige had her first dance competition yesterday in Bellingham, MA where her small little team of dancers took home a gold for their efforts.

Of course, having five people out of the house, completely dressed and fed, and one in full stage make-up required a wake-up call of 5:00 am.

By the time the awards ceremony was over at 12:30 pm, our little dancing girls were exhausted.  Thank goodness they didn’t have to go back today!  Or stay for the second half of the awards yesterday.

Today, my little one is singing at church.  For some reason, the people that are in charge of little ones, assume all littles are up before the crack of dawn.  Not my littles, and certainly not today after a long day yesterday.

I wake Paige up at 6:00 am.  She crabby.  She’s not opening her eyes.  She’s patiently waiting for me to leave the room so she can go back to sleep.

I get Allie up.  She is my better riser. She’s up without a fuss, almost as soon as I turn on her bedroom lights.  She gets dressed without a hassle, and actually beats me back upstairs.  It is about the time I’m getting her breakfast about a half hour later that I realize Paige is still missing in action.

“Is your sister in there watching cartoons with you?” I ask Allie.

“No!  Her still sleeping!”

I march back upstairs.  I plow through her door and announce, “Uh, excuse me ma’am!  It has now been a half hour since I got woke you up!  If you don’t start moving, I’m gonna have to beat the snot out of ya!”

She doesn’t move.  She doesn’t open her eyes.  She simply replies, “You and what army?”

I am almost out of her door, when her words hit me.  I turn slowly around and say, “Excuuuse me?!”  But she’s laughing too hard to reply.

“Did you just say what I think you said?” I respond, still dumbfounded.

Her eyes are still not open and she says, “Going back to sleep in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…..” and then she begins to snore.

I stare at her for a moment, mouth agape, wondering when she got this witty attitude.  When she stopped being little and got this hilarious ability to interact so quickly in this manner.

Whenever it was, I need new kids.

“Me and Glass”

Tags

child, children, funny, glass, humor, parenting, stay at home mom

I need better responses.  There are conversations that are so random, I have no reply.  I feel like I’m missing out on really interesting interaction.  I need to come up with some replies that are just as random as her remarks.

“Paigey, why are you on the counter?” I call, as the glasses in the cabinet shake and clatter together, while she’s perched on the counter, defiant enough to insist on getting her own GLASS because she’s far too grown up for the plastic kid cups I mandate for anyone under 27.

“Getting a drink,” she yells back.  Really, Ma, I’m in the cabinet that holds the glasses, what in HEAVEN’S name do you THINK I’m doing up here?

“Can you please be careful?  Don’t break anything.”  I have learned I need to pick my battles.  Today, I will not force the cup issue.  We’re already dealing with dirty room issues, and respect issues.  Tomorrow, well, all bets may be off.

“Oh, I won’t break anything!  Trust me.  I know glass.  When glass is angry, glass shatters.  When I’m angry, well, I scream and yell.  When I’m really frustrated, I cry.”  She gives a shrug of her shoulders here, as if it’s just a fact of life.  I cry.  It happens.  The world continues spinning.  “Yeah, me and glass, we’re REAL familiar.”

Dear Glass,
Now that you’re apparently familiar with my kid, please don’t fall out of my cabinet and break.
Signed,
Exhausted Mother Who Doesn’t Want To Pick Up Glass Shards Today

Five Years Old

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age 5, birthday, child, girls, parenting, photography, pre-school, stay at home mom

She loves sugar.

Not so much spice.

She’s not all together nice.

But she is my Baby Bear.  And she is my heart.  She is my world.  She is my life.  She does crazy things just to make me smile.  She gives the best hugs.  She likes ruffles and frills, but also mud and chaos.  If I had to do it all over again, we’d maybe skip the ear-piercing screams, the three months of crying, and the utter defiance.  But maybe that just makes her her.  Maybe that’s why she holds my heart.  She wiggles her way in with beauty and love and leaves chaos in her wake.

Happy birthday my beautiful girl.  May you never stop dancing.

“I’m Doing All This Work For You!”

Tags

child, children, duh, funny, humor, parenting, shoes and socks, stay at home mom

The little one….ohh, the little one.  She’ll be the death of me.

“We need to pick your sister up at school today.  She has a dentist appointment and you need to come with me.  So where’s your game?  We better get your game charging or you’re going to be one bored girl,” I tell her.

“My game is in my room.”

“Then go get it so we have time to get it charged.”

She marches downstairs to her room, and is banging at the door between the downstairs portion of the house, and the upstairs.  “Mom!  Help!” she’s yelling.  “My hands are too full!”

I open the door and she has game, charger and an assorted array of cartridges.  We get her game charging and I say, “Alright, you need to get dressed.”

She huffs.  “I better not do all this work and then you find someone to babysit me! I’m doing all this work FOR YOU!”

I asked you to get dressed, not build the Great Pyramids of Giza.

After she gets dressed, I say, “So what are we having for lunch?”

“Um, peanut butter jelly?”  Her go to.  She has asked for peanut butter and jelly for lunch every day for the last eighteen months.  I wish I was exaggerating.

“Well, I’d tell you that you were having left over pot roast, BUT we had an unfortunate incident in which the dogs ATE it off the counter last night, so there’s no pot roast left.”

“Yessss!” she cheers.  “I didn’t want that anyway!” She calls into the living room, where the dogs are napping, “THANK YOU DOGS!”

I can’t help but laugh.  We get through our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches together and I say, “Alright, get your socks and shoes on.”

She wanders around the house.  Aimlessly.  She finds a toy cell phone somewhere and starts an imaginary phone call with a pizza place.  She requests a double slice pizza (?) with extra cheese.

“WHY are your shoes and socks still not on your feet?” I’m exasperated.  Getting her to do anything requires a considerable amount of effort.

“Uh, I’m looking for them, duh!”

“I’m sorry.  Did you just ‘duh’ me?”

“Yup.  I duh-ed you.”

I knew once she got a good grip on the English language, we wouldn’t like what she had to say.  At least when she was talking gibberish, we didn’t know what kind of idiots she took us for.